Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Keeping it in the Light...

It has been about 4 months since the death of our little Rose. And the desire to be parents remains within Brock and I's heart as a healthy, young, married couple. That being said, we have recently been contemplating when to begin this process again.

Honestly, I am struggling with this one as my schooling is a rather heavy load this semester and the memory of the exhaustion that comes with the first trimester of pregnancy is also extremely fresh. I am currently dealing with a sinus infection type of illness and am so tired from constantly going going going going going that I am not sure that a baby at this moment would be the best thing for myself or the child in light of the fact that I am the baby's protective life source until it is developed enough to survive on its own. (that was a long sentence/thought).

On the flip side... I so desperately want to again love my child and to have it survive so that I might be able to hold, care for, watch, teach, and grow with. I so desperately want to see my husband fulfill his fatherly role/desire. I know He will be fantastic and interesting (learning all new things) at the same time but that is all part of being a parent.

My heart is excited while my body/flesh is extremely hesitant.
I guess my prayer at this point is that the Lord would help me bring the two into alignment so that I will no longer be in this limbo state. I desperately want to follow the Lord in all things but I admit that I am a broken sinful creature who is currently still in the wilderness and is making little time for/with the Lord.

This wilderness/exhaustion I know will go away as soon as I stop and make time for ABBA, there is turmoil within me.

All this, I place here in the space of the internet not knowing if anyone is actually reading but pointing here nonetheless. An outlet really.

This is my struggle. Do with this information what you will.

Blessings to those of you who do read.

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