Over these past few weeks I have been disillusioned to to how I thought being a SAHD was going to be.
I had in my mind this idea of going places, teaching them things as we go about our day and time to get things done both around the house and little projects (like fixing my motorcycle and lawn mower).
Really all I feel like I have accomplished is the ability stay on top of laundry,dishes and go on walks with the kids. Oh course keep the kids a live and away from serious injury. But, I also feel like I find myself having trouble with control of my emotions.
I feel like my level of calm, cool and collective has drawn to an unbelievable low level. I turn into the Hulk and see myself as more of this guys who is not able to control my emotions when the kids either don't do what I think they should know how to do because they have been told to do it before.
I know that Hezekiah especially is a very smart kid. I mean yesterday he was riding his bike and I told him he needed to wear his helmet. He told me he did not want to wear it. I told him that it was important to wear it while riding his bike and that is why papa wears his helmet. He says "Well then I don't want to ride my bike". I was frustrated because I knew he only said that because he did not want to follow the rules. This made me furious because he had been pushing my buttons all day and this was the tipping point. I told him well since you are only saying this because you don't want to follow the rules you are going to wear this helmet for the rest of the time we are outside so that you can get used to your helmet and learn to follow the rules. My blood was boiling while I was telling him this and afterwards I felt like I was just the mean ole dad who does not know how to control his emotions. I apologized for my outburst cause it was unwarranted, but he also needed to know that he was in the wrong for his actions but I was no better for my own actions.
Today is a new day and I have told myself that I WILL take a breathe before reacting to frustrating situations. In no way do I was my kids to view me as some person who is able to fly off the handle and lose his grip on being level headed to frustration. H is great at bringing me back to center with this when he will ask me after I have yelled at him. He says "papa, are you sorry for growling at me?" to which I realize, wow, I did do that and that is what I had told H he was not to do when he is frustrated.
Kids are great at being that mirror that forces you to look into and see that you are broken and need a focused life on the Savior. Failure to do this is a failure to teach our kids how they should be functioning in situations they come into contact with.
I write all this as my kids sit in the living room on the love seat peacefully playing together while looking at books and listening to music. They really are great kids who are super easy it is my messed up self that is making this more difficult than it needs to be.